


Hypnotic

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-18
Updated: 2008-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-15 03:52:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14783099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Josh and Donna aren't finished with their argument in the bedroom during the Al Smit Dinner





	Hypnotic

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

JOSH’S POV 

Friggin Lou! Just HAD to be her own boss! She hired Donna...DONNA...MY Donna to be on television. And she did it without a single okay from me. Just sprung her on me. On. National. Television. 

No, no. I wasn’t ON national television at the time, I was watching it. But...well, I mean I wasn’t expecting her! 

And yes, she is MY Donna. 

She is. 

Do I have any kind of romantic claim to her?......You know what. I DO. I do have a claim like that to her. She and I have been orbiting each other for eight years. I sabotaged her dates, she dated guys she had no future with. I absolutely have a romantic claim to her. 

You think I’m crazy? You think I’m a Neanderthal? You think I’m deluded? I’m not. You think I had a future with Amy? With Mandy? No. My future is with Donna. 

Except right now, I’m really, REALLY mad at her. I’m so mad I could...well, I could kiss her stupid is what I could do. 

I’m not a stalker. I’m not nuts. I’m a man who is out of his freaking mind for a woman he should have been with a long time ago. And what’s worse is, she knows it, too. But we’re both mad. And stupid. And stubborn. 

I’m not even sure who should make the first move anymore. I used to think it was her because then I would know that she wasn’t, like, going to sue us for sexual harassment or something. Then, I thought that maybe she thought that I was supposed to make the first move because then she would know that I was okay with the whole boss/assistant thing. 

I was. 

Really, I was. 

Holding back from Donna was never because she was my “assistant.” Holding back from Donna was because of my fear of losing Donna. In all seriousness, I’m not sure I actually have another purpose on this planet other than her. Yeah, I’m kicking ass and taking names in the political arena for the moment, but she’s my reason for being here. 

She’s the reason I’m not dead. 

She’s also the reason I’m not unemployed. 

We’re mad at each other. There’s a fine line between love and hate, and I don’t hate her. I love her. But I don’t like her right now. And I’m pretty damn sure, especially after that short order cook fucking comment, that she doesn’t like me either. 

But she still loves me. 

She never told me; and I never told her. And now I’m not sure how I should do it. I mean, of course the words, Donna, I love you, will play a large role in the declaration. But should I grab her and kiss and tell her? Should I apologize and make a whole romantic thing out of it? The twisted thing about she and I is, either of these scenarios would work for us. We make each other crazy, while at the same time making each other sane. How can that even be, you might ask? I’m here to tell you it’s pretty exhausting. 

She’s pissed at me because she says I held her back. 

I did. 

I did. I held her back. Whether I did it consciously or subconsciously, I don’t really know, but I was so busy holding onto her so tightly because I was afraid to let her go that I forgot my original plan for her to begin with. 

Bartlet for American 1 campaign, she hired herself and I let her stay. I thought I saw something there, and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I was right. I saw passion, intelligence, wit, loyalty. In short, I saw the female version of myself. She just needed to be groomed, and taught. That was my plan. Teach her the ways of the cruel, cold, cash cow world of politics then set her loose on it. I stuck with the A part of the plan beautifully; the B, not so much. 

I didn’t think I’d fall in love with her. I was attracted to her from the moment I laid eyes on her, but who wouldn’t be? But I said, no. She is my student; she is my legacy; she is who is going to carry on what we believe...what I believe in, I mean. 

Who am I kidding? It’s what WE believe in. 

I can’t count how many times Donna has changed my position on something. I can’t count how many times one totally off the wall remark from her had changed the events of, and I’m not kidding when I say this, history. The first female Chief Justice of the Supreme Court? That was all her, my friends. And I’ll tell her someday. 

When I’m not so pissed at her. 

So I had this plan. Bring her on board, like she wanted, let her self-confidence repair itself; let her soul heal. That’s what I did. 

She was my assistant. I wasn’t expecting her to become my friend. But she did. And quickly. 

Then, before I knew it. She became more than my friend. She became my best friend. But she became more than that. She became.... 

Hypnotic. 

I can’t believe how easily I was hypnotized by her. Totally and completely under her spell. I could be standing in a circle with the rest of the senior staff in the middle of the bullpen in an on the fly strategy session with everyone talking at once, but it would be her voice I’d hear. It would be her I would watch to gain my focus, gain my strength, gain my inspiration. 

And she thinks she didn’t do enough there? 

Is it possible that I have somehow forgotten to tell her that? Is it possible that I have somehow neglected to tell her just what kind of effect she has on me, and by extension the universe? 

But as spell-binding as she is, she’s also a narcotic. And when I’m around her, I take, and take, and take, and take. And then when she’s gone, I go through withdrawals and I’m not so much a nice guy. I mean, what detoxing addict is? 

I have given too. I know you’re looking at me like, “Josh, you poor deluded man,” but I have. If I didn’t, she wouldn’t love me. And she does. She loves me the most. Why do you think she’s not married? A Navy Commander is a pretty good catch. A congressional lawyer, even if he is a misbegotten, tragically misguided Republican, is a pretty good catch. 

She. Loves. Me. 

And I love her. I just need to figure out how to fix it, so I can tell her. I need to summon up the strength and guts from somewhere and tell her. She knows already. I flew to Germany. But if I tell her, it’s the code for, Donna, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And don’t you think I should get on with that already? 

There’s a knock on my door. I move over to it and look through the peep hole. It’s her. Didn’t you just know it would be? Our earlier argument was interrupted and by the pissed off look on her face, she’s not done with it yet. 

That’s fine. It’s all good. I’m ready for her. 

Except I’m really not. If I were ready for her, I’d fling open this door and let the yelling begin. But instead I stand here, rooted to my spot like I’m standing in drying cement, mesmerized by the woman I’m looking at through a hole the size of a pen top; mystified by the one that no other woman will ever measure up to in my eyes. My holy grail. 

Her hair is a little darker. I touched it once when we were dancing. It’s silky. And ever since then, when I’ve touched a woman’s hair, it’s felt corse and like straw in my fingers. Other women’s eyes don’t dance with stars like hers do. They used to look on me like I hung the moon, but now they look on me like they’re trying to figure out how to get the rest of themselves back. They’re searching, like mine no doubt, for that one phrase that’s going to make all the pain go away. They’re looking for that approval that it’s finally our turn. It’s our turn to touch each other, and smile, and love. 

But they can’t find the right opening. 

Screw it. Let’s open the door and play our game, all the contestants are present. 

Except I’m not done looking at her yet. I’m entranced. I love her. And if I open the door, I’m going to have tell her. 

 

DONNA’S POV 

BANG. BANG. BANG. 

God! What is he DOING in there! Open the door, Josh! Take your beating like a man, you coward! I shouldn’t say that. Josh is many things, but a coward isn’t one of them. But I guess he sort of is when it comes to me. 

Lou’s right. We can’t work together and have this hanging around us. But the thing is, too, we can’t work together and still have the elephant in the room either. I can’t do it. One way or the other, we have GOT to acknowledge it now. We either go for it, or drop it all together and move on. 

Let me state for the record, I want to go for it. I want to grab him, and I want to kiss him, and I want to have my way with him. 

But I’m really mad at him right now, and as much as I love him, I don’t like him right now. 

He can’t see the forest for the trees and I can’t take that anymore. I don’t want to stand around anymore and wait for our life together to start. I’ve waited for him to get it together. I’ve watched him date nightmare-ish women, who’ve used him, and played him, and never bothered to try to find out who he actually IS. I’ve had to sit through the most mortifying conversation of my LIFE with CJ during the lockdown before the CODEL. She had the same look on her face the entire time, “Donna Moss, you poor deluded girl.” 

I’m not deluded. Josh loves me. Why the hell do you think I stuck around as long as I did? And I love him. But we were imploding. The need for the personal was far outweighing the professional in me, so I had to scram. But because he wouldn’t talk to me for two weeks, and for all his brilliance, he really is quite an idiot sometimes, he thought if he ignored me, I wouldn’t tell him what I had to tell him. That didn’t really work out for him. 

BANG. BANG. BANG. 

“JOSH! Open the damn door, or I’m going to stand out here and make a scene and everyone will hear it!” 

The door flings instantly open. 

He’s glaring at me. 

Try again, Buster! I am absolutely impervious to that glare. But then his expression changes to something I’m NOT impervious to at all. Pain. There’s pain in his eyes. Dammit! I wasn’t going to look directly into his eyes. Crap! 

I walked into the room and do something that I have wanted to do to him for eight years whenever I’m mad at him. 

I give him a big, hard, push. 

He’s quite surprised by it, and more than a little amused. 

“You came to beat me up?” he asks raising his eyebrows. 

“Maybe.” I say. “We HAVE to talk more.” 

“You’re right.” he nods. Well, holy crap, would you look at that. 

“I am?” 

“Yeah. I’m not going to look at you and be mad, Donna. And I’m really mad now.” 

“Oh, YOU’RE mad?” 

“You blindsided me today on purpose.” 

“You’re right, Josh. I took a job just to piss you off.” 

“You didn’t TELL me about taking this job just to piss me off.” 

“Tell you?!” I say raising my voice. I’m going to kick his ass for that. “I don’t have to TELL you anything, Josh! You gave up the right to know everything that’s happening with me.” 

“Oh no, I didn’t.” he counters. “YOU took that from me without my permission. YOU shut me out when you came back from Germany, and then you ripped out my heart and stomped all over it!” 

“I shut you out?” I laugh. “You were so weirded out by Colin. Then you got all freaked out when I came home because you didn’t know what to do with us. We were past a professional relationship like that, Josh, and you freaked.” 

“Oh, and the best way to handle the situation was to go work for Bob Russell?” he laughs incredulously. 

“The best way to take care of the situation was to get out of your professional sphere.” I say bringing my voice back down to a more dignified level. 

“By working for a man you knew I hated?” 

“By working for a man who was willing to let me grow in my job and use my talents for more than scheduling.” 

“Don’t go there.” he shoots back. “You did WAY more than that. You did way more than any other assistant in that building. You want to change jobs, that’s fine, but you went to the enemy. Will hired you to get me! He thought if you were there, he could get me on board. Then when that didn’t work, he decided to use you against me.” 

“I knew you’d say something as incredibly arrogant as that.” I hiss back. 

“The day I saw you in New Hampshire for the first time since you left, was him using you against me. He wanted to unnerve me and it worked. Everyone in Washington knows if you’re going to throw heat at me, they have to do it through you. How many times did Will ask you what I was thinking? How many times did he ask you what you thought I was going to do?” 

Shit. Will did that a few times. I can feel the tears stinging my eyes. He can see them, too, because his gaze softens. “It’s true, Donna.” he says softly. “He gave you a good opportunity, it’s true, but he did it to make you his not-so-secret weapon. And it worked. I was distracted every single time our paths crossed. I damn near exploded in Iowa. I can’t resist you and that whole freaking town knows that.” 

“You did a couple of weeks ago when you wouldn’t hire me.” I say quietly back. 

“No, I didn’t.” he said. “That stayed with me for weeks. That stayed with up right up until today. I meant what I said. I miss you. You and I both know that if I hired you that day, it would have been a death sentence to anything personal that could ever have happened.” 

“Could have been a little nicer about it, Joshua.” 

“I was mad! I AM mad! Though not as mad as when I opened the door.” 

I stand there not speaking yet. It’s a stand off now. It always comes to this. Who’s going to blink first? We’ve admitted more tonight than we’ve ever admitted before. Out loud anyway. But there’s still the big one. 

I love you, Joshua. 

It’s right there. Right on the tip of my tongue where it’s been since an endless night at GW standing outside an operating room. 

“I love you, Joshua.” 

He blinks. 

Oh my God! Did I say it out loud? I think I just whispered it out loud. 

“Do you mean it?” he asks softly. And I find myself nodding. “Still?” 

“Always.” I whisper. There’s a traitorous choke to my voice. Years of keeping these words stored up, carefully hidden away in my heart where he wouldn’t hear them, and they fall right off the tip of my tongue. 

It’s not until we’re standing right in front of each other that I even realized we were mobile. His hands come gently up to my face, my right hand comes up to the center of his chest, my left comes up to his right side. I can feel his heartbeat under my hand and it’s hypnotic. The look in his eyes right now is a mixture of predatory, love, disbelief, and well, it’s a little erotic, too. It’s giving me goosebumps. 

 

JOSH’S POV 

I should say something here, but I’m hypnotized by her eyes. They’ve gone smokey. I didn’t know they could do that. I’ve seen them laugh, I’ve seen them sparkle, I’ve seen them enraged, I’ve seen them heartbroken, I’ve seen them scared, I’ve seen them look on me with unguarded love. I’ve never seen them go all smokey like this. 

“I love you, too.” I say softly, allowing myself to finally be drawn in by her lips. 

“I know.” 

I let out an involuntary chuckle. Of course she does. 

I seem to be stuck in hover mode. I’ve never been this close to her lips before. It’s like I’m waiting for someone to interrupt us. And I want this moment to last forever. 

Donna, however, gets tired of waiting and pulls me the rest of the way, keeping her hands in their present locations. 

She tastes so sweet, and I can feel her trembling against me. She is as scared as I am. I never thought we’d be scared of each other but we are. 

My hands move up into her hair and it’s just as silky as I remember. It feels like sunlight in my hands. Her lips are soft and tender. 

“I miss you, too.” she says softly and it’s my undoing. That she can hurt the way I’ve been hurting; that she can feel the pain cut through her like the knife it’s cutting through me; that she can not feel anything at all, while I’ve suffered the same way is not something I’ve allowed myself to think about. I always made myself believe that I was the victim and she was happy in her new life...without me, knowing all the while that it wasn’t true, but not allowing myself to humanize her that way. Because she’s never been human. She’s a goddess. My goddess. She’s always lived just out of my reach. 

But as I kiss her now, she becomes human to me, which has always been my biggest fear because if she was human, she would be mortal. And though I’ve faced it once before, her mortality is unfathomable to me, and I wonder if it would mean my mortality, as well. 

I’m brought out of my trance momentarily by the realization that we’re now on the bed and subtracted some clothes from the equation. 

She’s whispering things to me, and I’m sure they’d stop my heart if I were cognizant of them, but instead they’ve stopped my mind and my nervous system has taken over. All I can do is feel. I am hypnotized by her touch. 

THE END


End file.
